The Test Cheater’s Catalog

Written by  Dr. John Fremer, Ph.D., President, Caveon Consulting Services

I remember it as if it were yesterday. In fact it was yesterday – April 1st to be exact, a day that will live for 24 hours.  Our Caveon Web Patrollers broke through to a site advertising itself as “The Test Cheaters Catalog.”  Its corporate slogan, “We steal, you win, who cares who loses.”  I will give you a quick overview of its product line.

Certifications

Described as short cuts for busy people, the “Quick Certification Department” promises to simplify the process of getting certified in a large number of careers, including Air Traffic Control, Brain Surgery, and Rabbit Farming.  You must first attest that you already have the skills to pass the relevant certification exam and provide ID information, information about your eligibility for certification, and a payment equal to ten times your age plus twice your IQ in US dollars.  Your certification will be delivered to your home or other designated location by courier in a brown, unmarked envelope, without you having to waste your valuable time going to a test site to sit for the test.  (For a small additional fee, plus shipping and fondling, you can get an embossed and framed copy that you will be proud to display in your office.)

Invisibility Cloaking Devices

According to the catalog’s description, (which must be true as it is on the Internet); if you wrap one of these cloaking devices around you, no one will be able to see you. You will be able to obtain previously secure test booklets, look at other terminals, or answer sheets, and gain access to places where you can change grades and test scores.  Each purchaser is required to pledge that the cloaking devices will only be used in accordance with prevailing laws for purposes such as entertaining children and performing magic tricks.

Signaling Devices

The catalog notes that conventional signaling devices for testing rooms such as hand gestures, colored M & M’s, and unicorn horns are now readily recognizable by proctors. So a new series of these devices is offered and described as not being sold in any store.  The “Cheatoscope” [trademark pending] permits viewing other test takers screens or papers while seemingly looking only at your own desk.  The “Text a Friend Pocket Pencil” records and transmits test questions silently and efficiently; allowing for answers to get back to you in real time.

The Lame Excuses Department

The Lame Excuses Department is described apologetically as a place you can go when no one else is willing to even talk to you because you are such a loser.  Here excuses are available for both testing and homework situations.  No more saying you didn’t mean to peek at another’s test or the dog ate your homework or you forgot your wedding date.  The Lame Excuses Department employs only novel rationales that proctors have never heard during their waking hours – “my hard drive softened and dribbled out so I had to use the screen at the next testing station to take the test.” “I was only writing down test items as part of a class project to evaluate test security,” According to the catalog, all excuses are guaranteed.

Limited Time Offers

These items are available only for a short time. So if you are interested, contact: “We steal to win” while there is still time.

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